Baffling Dollar Store Finds: Flamingoes on the Attack

The world can be a cruel and terrible place.  No place proves that theory more correct than your local dollar store.  Sure, off brand medical supplies and tiny figurines painted with lead are wonderful and all, but what about the - other - things.  The items so horrible and strange that we dare not fully look at them?  That, my friends is why you have me, to guide you through the world of Baffling Dollar Store Finds.

The Amazing Armless Woman


Don't get me wrong, I realize that people who have lost their arms are just as handi-capable as the rest of us and pointing out their lack of arms may be considered indelicate.  I'm a woman of the 21st century after all.   That still does not explain my new mirror and tweezers set that features this lovely amputee:

Breathtaking, isn't she?

Now, I realized that there was a chance her arms were just folded behind her back.

It felt a little creepy taking this picture, I'm not going to lie.

Nope, no arms here either.  I have to imagine this is in response to an oddly specific group of fetishists that not only love amputees but also need a good pair of tweezers.  I can't bring myself to use them because no matter how I hold them it feels a little bit molesty.

Putting aside the delicate flower that is Armless Tweezer Woman, we move on to this lovely and totally useful and wonderful for anyone over the age of 5 and under the age of 70 pen:

Blue Flamingo Pen of Tackiness

Don't cry, it only wants to eat your soul.

I'm trying very hard to imagine the person who would want this blue feathery flamingo pen complete with "I may have just been violated" eyes. What I see is a woman in mom jeans and a purple sweatshirt that sports a puffy paint kitten.  Maybe this woman even has a pair of reading glasses tethered to her head with a neon green cord she got the last time an insurance rep came to visit the office.  Her job most likely involves scheduling or financial aid and there is a good chance she has at least one poster featuring Garfield hanging in her office.  If you know this woman you can get her a full set of these pens; they came in several different colors!  Hopefully you will be able to avoid looking right at the face.

They say this is the last thing you see before you die.

Horror Beast Lips Candy

Are you some kind of terrible sadist who enjoys only the most terror inducing treats?  Do you want to look like Angelina Jolie after some sort of terrible pool drain accident?  Do you enjoy taking duck face pictures but your lips are getting tired?  If you are one of these horrible people then I have found the candy that you need.  Behold!

Wetting your pants is normal in these situations right?

I find myself in a quandary.  I am completely repulsed by the pale pink plastic lips and yet...I can't look away.  I'm hypnotized by the Jersey Shore levels of creepiness of these lips.  The candy itself is a sort of bulbous growth on the back of the lips (not pictured because I'm lazy, don't judge me) and tastes like donkey poop.  Mr. Geek didn't think it tasted too bad, but he's from Australia so he doesn't count.  I also found it sort of odd that instead of doing different packaging for the different flavors they sort of had "if you have the blue one it's blueberry pooh flavored and if you have pink then it's something that we'll call strawberry flavored even though we both know that it doesn't taste like anything that's even been in a room with a strawberry" (some language may vary from the actual packaging) written on the back.  It's almost as if the people who create items for my local dollar store are lazy or cheap or something.  

Harmless and 100% Totally Innocent Glow Stick

I have no real reason for putting this princess wand glow stick on this list.  

For just $1 you too can feel like a princess!

Honestly, the glow stick itself wasn't so bad and lasted for a really long time.  I was a bit surprised that it wasn't really a wand per-se as much as a glow stick with a heart shape attachment that went on the end that had a glow-like quality because of the glow stick shoved into it, but that really isn't much to complain about, it isn't like kids know the difference.

You may not believe me but I am a grown up, I swear.

Remember to crack and wiggle it to activate it!

Yours Always,

~Mrs. Geek

Concerning the Fact that I Will Never Be a Super Hero

It's a tragic thing when reality hits you in the jaw during a perfectly good day at the movies.  Yesterday I was hit with my very own reality haymaker when I was exiting Ghost Protocol and walked past the poster for the next Underworld movie.  (First of all, sweet heavens, how many of these are there?  I'm convinced this is Underworld 12: This Time It's Personal...but I digress.)  The poster features the lovely and talented Kate Beckinsale in an appropriately gothic corset.

That's when it hit me how wonderfully impractical it would be to fight in a leather corset.  Besides being dreadfully hot, the boning (haha, boning) would make it impossible to bend properly in any fashion and, at least for me, dodging blows from enemy combatants of any variety will involve me bending at the waist a little bit.

Who cares about chafing?  I look bloody marvelous.

I know you'll have to take my word for it, but I'm not really a feminist and this isn't an argument that female superheroes are over sexualized.  (I happen to be rather pleased with the amount of sexualizing done of male superheroes so that would make me a bit of a hypocrite.)  Let's face it, a movie with a group of sensibly dressed super heroines would be even too boring for me to watch.  When I picture myself as a super bad ass heroine, kicking demons in the face and showering my enemies with bullets, I too am improbably dressed in stiletto boots, fishnets stockings and a trench coat. (Because you don't count as a slut if you're fighting crime dangit!) That's where the problem comes in.  The person writing these words doesn't wear high heels.  (That isn't totally true, I have a pair that I wear when I need to look like I'm both employed and a grown up...luckily I don't need to look that way often.) I hardly wear real shoes.  I've worn slippers to work for the last month and a half and no one has said a word to me.  I assume they're just glad I'm not wearing flip flops again because they're sick of seeing my feet.  So, the idea of me walking upright in stiletto's is laughable enough and doing high flying kicks and taking hits to the face seems unlikely no matter how many Tae Bo classes I've taken.

Then we get to the costume.  Have you ever been to an aerobics class?  I did go like twice about 10 years ago so I consider myself an expert.  Sadly, none of us decided to wear our corsets and hot pants to class.  Instead we wore only the least flattering of sweat pants and, in my case, a rather lumpy looking t-shirt.  (Back off fellahs, I'm not single...) Since Yoga became a thing people have decided to wear slightly less horrible work out clothes, but that doesn't negate the fact that we aren't wearing leather and, heaven forbid, latex.  I am picturing myself running around town smelling vaguely of balloons (as that is what I imagine latex wear smells like) and sounding like someone wearing rubber pants.  I'm already about the least scary person you could meet in an ally, and we want to add the insult of a subtle squeaking sound when I walk?  Sounds brilliant.

Now, if they ever make a movie about a super hero in blue sweat pants and a pink t-shirt taking down crime with their flying flip-flops of fury, count me in.  Also I'd like a hat and a wise cracking sidekick with a thick accent of some kind.  Stan Lee can feel free to call me anytime, we can make this happen.

Yours Always,
Mrs. Geek